anger, grudges, judgment, forgiveness and the bible

Prior to 3 years ago, and as far back as I can remember, I've been a pessimistic, yet a realistic,  person.  I am certain that my negative thinking probably cost me many years of happiness.  Finally, a few years ago, I had a life-altering epitome and decided I needed to make some changes about myself.  I thought a lot about it but haven't been able to think of anything specifically that caused me to feel that way.  I just got to the point where I wasn't happy with the person I had become over the years.  I know I am a good person with a caring heart but there were some things about myself I felt wasn't right.  I knew I needed to find a way to be a more positive-thinking/acting person but remain a realist at the same time.  Problem was, how was I going to start this new path of positive thinking?  How was I going to be an optimist and keep my realistic thoughts and ideas?  I know the world isn't all rainbows and butterflies but, at the same time, it wasn't as dark a place as I once thought it was.  I once felt that Murphy's law was written for me and if anything bad was going to happen, I was sure it was going to cross my path.  When something negative happened to me that involved someone else, whether I knew them or not, I took anything said or done to me personally.  Even though I have always believed life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it, I would tend to forget that when situations would arise.  I sometimes reacted (or over-reacted) to whatever the situation was.  I would get defensive even if what happened was something unintentional. 

About 8 years ago, I went to a preacher for guidance and after he listened to my story, he handed me a bible.  He said I would find everything I needed in there.  I was appreciative but still felt empty and without any answers or guidance.  Finally one day I decided to open that bible and couldn't believe how much I had been missing.  

About 3 years ago, I decided that I wanted to change certain ways I handled things in my life.  I didn't like the way I interacted with people and even God.  I was defensive and often times over-reactive.  I didn't like that part of myself and realized that I had been trying to run my own life.  I wound up in situations that left me depressed and empty.  I felt I wasn't the wife, mother, daughter, friend, etc. my loved ones deserved.  I knew something was missing and decided that my bible was the best place to turn to.  I've read my bible here and there over the years but wound up feeling even more confused as to where my path in life was headed.  I wound up with even more questions than I had before.  To find my own understanding through the words and scriptures, I decided to read and study my bible.  Then it seemed what I had been searching for finally came to me.  I opened my heart to God and let Him guide me where He needed me.  I prayed for Him to help me find a way to understand what I needed to from the bible.  During that walk with God, I started to find the answers I was desperately searching for.  I knew that if I wanted to change things about myself, it would have to start with one step at a time.
 

After weeks and months of praying, reading, blogging, and thinking, the answers came to me.  I started to get the answers I so desperately needed and knew what I had to do in order to be the nicer and more positive person I wanted to be.  The person God wanted me to be.  For so long I had been this defensive, reactive, negative person and felt withdrawn from society for most of my life.  Because of events that had happened in my life, I felt like I was having to defend myself and reacted negatively when I felt I was being "attacked".  I couldn't always find the good things I had around me but found it easy to pick out the negatives.  I now realized that in order to change my way of thinking, and consequently acting, I had to take small steps one day at a time.  I started by doing at least one random act of kindness every day.  Whether it was letting someone in front of me in traffic, or telling someone I hope they have a nice day, to helping someone in need, I knew that was a great starting point to a better me.  Although I felt a little bit out of my "comfort zone" at first, it got easier and easier over time.  I eventually found myself looking for ways to help others and be just be nice.  

Then one day I got my first "test".  I had pulled in to a parking lot and was waiting for a parking space.  Seconds after I got there, another vehicle came from the other side and sat there as I assumed he was waiting for the same parking space.  The parked vehicle backed up and I was able to park in their spot.  The strange part was that there was a space right next to him that was open so the other waiting vehicle could've parked anyway.  Well when the man, who parked next to me, got out of his vehicle, I could tell he had an attitude with me by the snide comments he was making.  Instead of turning around and responding to him, I ignored him, kept a smile on my face and proceeded in to the store to get what I went there for.  I brought my purchases to the register and even had a friendly chat with the cashier.  As I went to exit the building, I could see out of the corner of my eye that the man, with the attitude, was watching me.  I didn't look at him or even acknowledge him.  I walked out with a big smile on my face, got into my vehicle, and left feeling great.  I felt that his attitude was HIS problem and I wasn't going to be a part of it.  I have control over my own actions and I wasn't going to let someone else have control over me.  Perhaps the "old" me probably would've got in to an argument with the man and who knows what would've happened.  It just wasn't worth it.

Everyday I try to make it a point to do or say something nice to someone.  I have really worked hard on becoming the person I know I am in my heart.  Day by day it has felt great to know that perhaps I made someone else's day maybe just a little better.  Treating people the way I wanted to be treated.

I felt I was finally able to find forgiveness in myself and began to find a way to forgive others.  This has been one of the hardest things for me to do but has also the most rewarding. Everyday I thank God for giving me the answers.  All this time I had those answers but didn't realize it until I opened that bible that was given to me years before.  I was once so misguided and thought it was God who was to blame for all the turmoil and trauma that went on in my life.  I know now that it was ME that was to blame and I just didn't see the opportunities and guidance God was trying to give me. 

Once I was on the right path of figuring out who I really was and becoming a better person, I also learned to break down the walls of unforgiveness in my heart.  I thought about those who had hurt me in the past and about the anger that had consumed my heart and mind.  By reading scriptures in my bible, (instead of quoting all of them, here's a resource you can click on):  bible scriptures about forgiveness  I learned that in order for me to be forgiven, I must forgive others.  I thought "who am I to not forgive the misgivings of others"?  None of us are perfect and I know I would want to be forgiven.  I know that God has touched my heart, through my soul, so I can find peace with those I needed to forgive.  I try to find a way to see them, as God sees them, and how they are precious to Him.  I also realize that I can see myself through other people as well.  I am just as guilty of failure and sin as they are.  I too need to be forgiven.  If God doesn't withhold His forgiveness from me, why should I not find forgiveness in my heart for someone else?  

"The best reason to forgive is because Jesus commanded us to.  From scripture we learn that if we don't forgive, we in turn won't be forgiven." 

"For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:  But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" - Matthew 6:14-15

When we experience the freedom that comes as a result of forgiveness, we will then know our work is complete.  We are the ones who suffer the most when we chose to not forgive.  As a result of forgiving one another, the Lord sets out hearts free from the bitterness, anger, hurt, and resentment that had imprisoned us.  Most often, however, forgiveness is a slow process.  Jesus makes it clear to us that forgiveness is not easy.  It isn't a one-time choice we make then automatically live in a state of forgiveness. 

 

"And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses" Mark 11:25

"Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." - Matthew 18:21-22 

 

It may take a lifetime to happen but forgiveness is important to God.  Until the matter is settled in our hearts, we must continue to forgive.  We must pray for the person we need to forgive.  We need to pray for God to handle the injustices and to judge that person's life, then pray for that person.  It is important to find a way to let go of the anger.  Anger is the easiest emotion for us to have.  Understanding Anger  It's normal for us to feel anger toward injustice and sin.  Holding on to that anger is unhealthy and against what Jesus has taught us. 

We, as humans, are fallible and not in a good position to judge others. The Bible points out in that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23).  That means that nobody is in a position to be judgmental about another person's actions. Even Jesus himself, who was without sin, did not condemn the adulterous woman when others were about to stone her (John 8:1-11). Jesus instead invited the person who was "without sin" to cast the first stone.

"For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again." - Matthew 7:2

"Ye shall not respect persons in judgment; but ye shall hear the small as well as the great; ye shall not be afraid of the face of man; for the judgment is God's: and the cause that is too hard for you, bring it unto me, and I will hear it." - Deuteronomy 1:17

"Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven" - Luke 6:37 

All of this self discovery came at a very poignant part of my life.  About 9 months after I started to make changes within myself, I was faced with one of the hardest challenges life can give anyone.  My mother had been fighting cancer for about 5 1/2 years and all of a sudden her health was rapidly declining.  Within 4 months, we were faced with the fact that my mom didn't have much longer to live.  I was so very blessed to have the opportunity to be there with my parents and help take care of my mom during her last weeks before she died.  The relationship I had with my mother had been rocky over the years.  I loved my mom more than anything in the world but we would get angry or upset with one another from time to time.  But as I watched my mom slowly fading away, I realized how much she meant to me.  All those times we didn't get along or had been angry with one another didn't matter anymore.  During her last days, we talked about so much.  At one point I needed her to know that I forgave her for anything I felt she had done that hurt me in the past.  She also told me she forgave me as well and that meant the world to me.  My mother passed away about a week later and although I was sad and heart-broken, I felt so thankful to God for giving me the time with her I really needed.  I can't imagine what I would've felt if we hadn't had that time to tell each other how much we loved and forgave one another.  

"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." - Ephesians 4:32

 ”The great failure of mankind is not sin, because temptation is strong and we are very weak. It is the fact that at any moment we can be completely forgiven, just for asking, and we don’t ask.” (St. Francis)

"Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye." - Colossians 3:13. 

 

As most Christians, we judge between good and evil while avoiding association with those who defiantly and unrepentantly do wrong. God warns us that we are not to judge in a way that is petty or hypocritical. After all, God is the Judge and we are, as individuals, ultimately responsible for being judged, not doing the judging. When the time comes, the question we will all be faced with will not be, "What did he do?" or "What did she do?" but rather, "What did you do?"

I couldn't believe the overwhelming feeling of, what felt like, a weight being lifted off my shoulders as I let go of any animosity towards those I had once felt I could never forgive.  It was a wonderful feeling and it started my next phase in the "new" me.  I thought a lot about others who, I have felt, hurt me in the past and prayed to God to help me find forgiveness in my heart for them.  I felt compelled to write a couple of them and explain that I held no grudge against them and forgave them for anything that happened in the past.  I then asked them to also find a way to forgive me if there was anything I said or did to hurt them.  The feedback I got was surprisingly tremendous.  That doesn't mean the relationship or friendship we once had will go back to the way it was before.  Just being able to find peace and forgiveness with one another has been life altering and wonderful for me.  I feel I have a much deeper understanding as to what forgiveness truly means and being able to let go of any animosity towards others.  I have been able to forgive most of the people in my life.  There are some that we have been able to reconnect as friends and I am very grateful for that.

Up until a week ago, I had even found forgiveness in my heart toward people I thought I couldn't.  I hung on to a grudge against some because it still hurt, even years later.  Through time I realized how unhealthy, and even unChristian, it was to hang on to past resentment and anger.

Angry people usually justify their anger, saying it's someone else's fault they are angry. Yet the Bible repeatedly warns us against giving in to anger when we are upset by other people's words or actions.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" - Ephesians 4:29 - 32

"And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful" 2 Timothy 2:24

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs" - 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

"The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions" - Galatians 5:19-20

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold" - Ephesians 4:26-7

"And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful" - 2 Timothy 2:24

"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires" - James 1:19-20

"Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing" - 1 Peter 3:9

One of Jesus' most challenging commands is to love your enemies.  There are still others that have taken me longer to find forgiveness in my heart and I am still working on it for them to this day.  I have never been a vindictive person and try to not intentionally hurt anyone.  I know I am guilty of reacting when something or someone angers me.  The blogs I have written over the past couple months were not intended to hurt or degrade anyone.  I have removed some of them after much thought.  My latest one about my son was me trying to understand human nature while defending myself from unnecessary blame.  I am one who can put my own feelings and emotions aside and be there for my children.  I am not angry with anyone and feel confused as to why some people hold on to grudges.  Life is too short to be angry all the time.  Perhaps a message of peace and kindness would be better digested than questions about people's actions and feelings?

"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ" - Philippians 1:6

I can honestly say I have never hated anyone.  There are things that people have done to anger or upset me but it's their actions I don't like.  I believe hate is a wasted emotion and takes up room in our hearts where there should be love.  I also believe that we should detest the sin, not the sinner.

It is said that life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% is how you react to it.  As far back as I can remember, I have been a reactive person.  I used to respond to everything that happened in my life and most often in a negative way.  I know I'm not perfect and there are still some times where I respond to things but I try to do my best to not be negative about it.  We all get angry since it is the easiest emotion to have.  Learning how to channel my anger in more constructive ways and less destructive ways has been something I have been working on for a few years now.  When I feel faced with an issue that either anger or upsets me, I try to remove myself from the situation and find a way to deal with, whatever it is, after I get past feeling angry about it.  I believe we all have a right to be angry but not a right to be cruel.  When we are angry, it's easy to say things we don't mean.  I know, in the past, I've said hurtful things out of anger that I later regretted.  I am pretty sure pretty much everyone reading this blog has done the same thing.

7+ years ago, I reached a point in my life where I felt I had reached rock bottom.  Events that happened in my life dragged me down to where I felt I didn't deserve to be happy.  I blamed myself for everything that had gone wrong and felt I was a bad person.  I knew in my heart that I wasn't a bad person but at that point in my life, I knew I made some terrible decisions resulting in where my life had gone.  My family and friends would try their best to help me.  They would remind me, all the time, that I was being too hard on myself and that everything that happened was not my fault.  When it comes to forgiveness, the hardest person it has been for me to forgive is myself.  Before I could forgive others, I had to find it in my heart to forgive myself first.  It has taken me years to realize that I needed God to lead my life and look for the positive things in everything that would happen in my life.  It would be easy to feel sad, angry, depressed, etc. at the loss of my mother.  However I don't see it that way.  I found a way to feel blessed for what I have/had instead of what I don't.  The days and hours I was given to spend with my mom, prior to her death, was a blessing.  Having my mom for the 37 years of my life is something I am very thankful for.  It all made me realize that what we have in our lives is more important than what is missing.

"Better, though difficult, the Right Way to go, Than Wrong, though easy, where the End is Woe" - John Bunyan

What is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAD)?

*(This is one of my research blogs)*

Parental Alienation is about parents who place their own selfish needs above those of their defenseless children and in doing so, they deny them their right to love and be loved by both parents. Alienators do not fit the stereotype of the deficient and ill-equipment parent. Instead, these parents are generally articulate, resourceful, and competent in all other aspects of their lives – except in the realm of parenting. In fact, these individuals might easily be mistaken for ideal parents, except to the properly informed, because they profess love and concern for their children. What sets these individuals apart from other dysfunctional parents is their overwhelming commitment to meeting their own needs first. In doing so, they destroy the relationship their children have with the other parent – at whatever cost. - Dr. Reena Sommer - Internationally Recognized Divorce and Custody Consultant

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a term used in child custody cases to describe one parent's manipulation of a child to harm the other parent. It may involve rejecting (spurning), terrorizing, corrupting, denying essential stimulation, emotional responsiveness or availability, unreliable and inconsistent parenting, mental health, medical or educational neglect, degrating/devaluating the other parent, isolating, and exploiting the child. The alienator parent seeks to alienate the victims from other family members and social supports. There is a conscious or concerted effort to disrupt the child’s affectionate relationship with the other parent and co-opt all of the child’s affection on to oneself. In PAS, the children are used to destroy the targeted parent as a means of revenge.

PAS involves a combination of a brainwashing by the alienator parent and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent. PAS is not currently considered a syndrome by the American Psychological Association. Other terms used may include “medea syndrome”, “implacable hostility”, or the “malicious mother syndrome”. - USLegal Definitions
 

"Alienators do not fit the stereotype of the deficient and ill-equipped parent. Instead, these parents are generally articulate, resourceful, and competent in all other aspects of their lives – except in the realm of parenting. In fact, these individuals might easily be mistaken for ideal parents, except to the properly informed, because they profess love and concern for their children. What sets these individuals apart from other dysfunctional parents is their overwhelming commitment to meeting their own needs first. In doing so, they destroy the relationship their children have with the other parent – at whatever cost.” Dr. Reena Sommer

Relay For Life and the reason I participate

My Reason to Relay

The American Cancer Society Relay For Life is more than just an event to me. It is my personal opportunity to help save lives from cancer by supporting the American Cancer Society.

My story is a personal one.  I found it ironic that the theme of Relay for Life 2010 was "more birthdays".  I lost my mother to endometrioidal and pancreatic cancer on March 20th, 2009.  That day was particularly emotional since it was also my birthday.  The night before my mom's funeral, I sat up all night and wrote a tribute to and about her.  The next day I read the words, that I had poured from my heart the night before, to the congregation.  I promised her that she would never be forgotten.

After months of mourning the loss of my mother, I decided to find a way to celebrate her life.  I wanted to find a more positive way to get through such a personal tragedy.  I then decided that my birthday could be a day of not only remembrance, but to help in the fight against cancer.  My mother was diagnosed with endometrioidal (not to be confused with endometrial) cancer about 6 years prior to her death. This is her story:

By the time my mom reached her 55th birthday, she decided to have a routine colonoscopy. Thank goodness she did or we probably wouldn't have had her as long as we did.  Cancer cells had been detected from the results of her colonoscopy.  She then underwent more than 6 hours of "exploratory" surgery (to remove any growth suspected of being cancer).  It was at this point the doctors were baffled.  They thought they would find signs of "colon cancer" during the surgery.  However they wound up finding some sort of "growth" attached to most of her organs.  They removed as much as they could then sent it off to be examined and tested.  After lab tests confirmed she had cancer, determining the type it was and the next course of action was pertinent. 

That's when mom wound up being diagnosed with endometroidal cancer.  About 5-6 years prior, she underwent a hysterectomy where endometriosis was discovered.  She was then prescribed to take high doses of hormones over the next several years.  The hormones she was prescribed is what ultimately caused her endometrial cells to become cancerous. 

After her endometrioidal cancer diagnosis, it was soon learned that she wasn't a candidate for chemo therapy.  Her cancer cells wound up fluctuating over the next 6 years and her doctors didn't feel chemo radiation therapy was necessary. My mother was prescribed medications, to treat patients with cancer (like Tamoxifen and Megace).  After about 5 1/2 years of being on those medications, her doctors felt they weren't effective anymore. They had been monitoring her cancer cells every couple months.  Sometimes it came back very low and other times it would go up again. The doctors felt that no matter if the cancer cells were high or low, the medications weren't contributing to the low counts.

Not long after they stopped her medications, her health declined rapidly.  She was eating less and less then staying in bed longer and longer.  After about 2 months of this, she got to where she couldn't even make it to the bathroom.  My dad was taking constant care of her (around the clock) while also working full-time.  He was doing his best to try and get her to eat and take her medications, change her sheets, etc.  When he couldn't be home to take care of mom, he arranged to have friends and neighbors come by the house to help.  I didn't realize she had been deteriorating that bad.  I talked to dad all the time but he didn't let on that she was getting worse until it was more than he could handle.  He said he didn't want me to worry and felt I had enough on my plate.  He finally called me when he reached the point he felt he couldn't do it on his own anymore.  I could hear the desperation in his voice and knew mom was getting worse.  I felt that I really needed to be there.  I didn't hesitate to pack up and drive 200 miles home so I could help my parents wherever I was needed.  It didn't matter to me what was going on, mom was not getting any better and this was a time where I needed to be there.  I am so thankful I had the opportunity to give back to my wonderful parents, given the grim circumstances. 

About a week or two later, dad and I had her transported to the hospital.  We didn't know what to do and letting her lay in bed all day didn't seem to be the best option.  They wound up admitting her and ran further tests.  Those tests showed that she also had developed unrelated pancreatic cancer. Even if she had had the strength to endure chemo therapy, at this point, she wasn't a candidate for it.  The treatment for the 2 types of cancer she had contradicted one another.

The last 4 months of her life took a physical and emotional toll on her. She held on as long as she could.  She never complained or even talked about her illness. She didn't want anyone to worry over her.

During the last 3 weeks of her life, I was very blessed to have been able to be mom's main caregiver.  I took care of her around the clock while she also had a wonderful Hospice Nurse and Aide who would come to the house.  Her nurse came by every couple days to monitor her comfort, medications, and symptoms.  Her Aide came by once a day to help bathe her and change her sheets. 

I am also very thankful that my mom and I had the opportunity to talk and say the things we needed to. We forgave one another for any past misgivings and spent as much time talking with one another as we could.  On the day she took her last breath of life, my dad and I were by her side.

To this day, I admire my mother's strength and faith as our family still struggles to deal with her loss.  Although some days it is still hard to deal with her no longer being with us, I am so very grateful to God for letting me have the time with her I did.  Often times we lose our loved ones and don't get the chance to say our last "I love you's" and "goodbye's".

Last year's Relay For Life walk was my first.  After mourning my mother's death for several months, I decided to try and find something I could do to help in the fight against cancer.  With every birthday of mine that passes (and anniversary of her death) I plan on raising money for, and awareness of, such a dreadful disease. It's my goal to dedicate that time in honor of my mom and to also help others in the fight for a cure. I can't wait to walk this June!  I am over half-way to reaching my goal and I am so very thankful to everyone who has donated! 

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It's sobering to think that millions of people will be diagnosed with cancer this year. Somebody close to us may be one of them.

By taking part in Relay, I am helping the American Cancer Society save lives by:

    * Helping people stay well by helping them take steps to prevent cancer or detect it early, when it?s most treatable

    * Helping people get well by being in their corner around the clock to guide them through every step of their cancer experience

    * Finding cures by funding groundbreaking research that helps us understand cancer?s causes, determine how best to prevent it and discover new ways to cure it

    * Fighting back by working with lawmakers to pass laws to defeat cancer and rally communities worldwide to join the fight

Please support my efforts by making a donation or by joining my Relay For Life team. Increase your impact by making a monthly donation.  Together, we have the power to help create a world where cancer can no longer claim another year of anyone's life.  I thank God for allowing me this opportunity to help others so we may one day find a cure.  Even the smallest donation matters and is much appreciated.  Thank you so much for your support!

Parental alienation is a growing "crime"

In connection with my last blog, I felt the below video was appropriate.  Although very sad, it's interesting how often this happens.  I believe there should be more awareness made on this growing epidemic.  More than anything, I fear for the future of my 3 oldest children.  I wish "hate" was something they were never exposed to.  Please feel free to share your thoughts.....

Just my thoughts....

With such a hectic and busy, yet productive life, I haven't had time to get on here lately. It's late right now and I've had a few things on my mind recently. For those who are interested and like to keep track of my life, read on....  For everyone else, feel free to find the little red X at the top right side of the screen and click it.  :)

I often wonder how some people sleep at night. I just don't understand how people do the things they do then continue to live with themselves. Do they even have a conscience? It just makes me wonder how they think their actions are good then try to justify what they do/say to others and even themselves. They tend to make excuses for what they say and do then constantly blame others. It's like they are the perpetual "victim". I'm not talking about someone making a mistake then later realizing it. I am talking about people that live their everyday lives with a self-centered attitude while hurting others consistently.

I do believe most people are good at heart and truly want to do the right thing to and for others. Then there are those whose negative personalities make them proud and boastful. Do they even realize how bad they look to people on the outside and even hurt others in the process? Do they even care? I truly think everything we go through in life happens for a reason. Some situations and relationships are good while others are for the worse. As far as the negative issues and people I've dealt with in my life, ehhh I just chalk them up as lessons learned and move on from them. If it wasn't for them, life would be too easy. I like to think of those times as "how not to be" when it comes to dealing with people and relationships in my life. Of course that can go both ways. I know how to take responsibility for my own downfalls. I don't forget the past and can almost always find something to learn about from any situation. I like to focus on the good times with anyone I've known. I don't let people control me by bringing me down. I don't "hate" anyone but I dislike how some people have treated me and/or others. I believe it is the right thing to do by "hating the sin and not the sinner". "How exactly does that work? We hate sin by refusing to take part in it and by condemning it when we see it. Sin is to be hated, not excused or taken lightly. We love sinners by being faithful in witnessing to them of the forgiveness that is available through Jesus Christ. A true act of love is treating someone with respect and kindness even though he/she knows you do not approve of his lifestyle and/or choices. It is not loving to allow a person to remain stuck in sin. It is not hateful to tell a person he/she is in sin. In fact, the exact opposites are true. We love the sinner by speaking the truth in love. We hate the sin by refusing to condone, ignore, or excuse it." I'm certainly not saying I'm perfect (no one is) and I do own up to my own downfalls and things I've said and/or done. I learn from my mistakes and then try to do my best to apply those virtues to my life. I think that's the best way to handle things because life is too short to focus on negativity and mean people.

What matters MOST in my life is, first and foremost, my family. There's my awesome and amazing husband of over 7 years, Sean, who has been my rock! He's shown me that there are men out there that KNOW how to treat a woman. He isn't aggressive (or mean) and knows how to own up to his own faults (we ALL have them). Like every other human being on this planet, he isn't perfect but he IS the best man I could have ever found to be my husband and best friend. He's handsome, smart, thoughtful, caring, a wonderful father, and has every quality I could ever want in a husband.

Right up there with my husband are our beautiful and wonderful children! Over the past 6-7 years, our 4 children have been the epitome of our life and there isn't anything we wouldn't do for them. I believe if more people would focus on what's in the best interest of the children in their care, the world would be a much better place. If ANY of my children needed anything (such as a kidney for example), my next response would be "tell me what I can do!". I would do WHATEVER it takes to make sure my children get everything they need!

Again, I personally don't know how some people sleep at night with their self-centered motives and actions. How in the world can anyone make up lies and accusations about people (that have NO merit) to fulfill their own selfish wants and desires? I just don't get it! I can (and have) put my children FIRST, as demonstrated with my 2 oldest boys, Tyler and Brandon. They have lived with their dad and his wife for the past several years because I CHOSE to do what was in THEIR best interest. During that time (Feb - Mar 2004), I was 3 months pregnant with triplets. If they had been in my custody during that time, it wouldn't have been beneficial for them or me. It wasn't about what I wanted at that point. Don't get me wrong, I wanted my boys (AND Emilie) with me more than anything in the world. But while I was pregnant with triplets, I wound up on (doctor ordered) strict bed-rest for 18 weeks. I wasn't medically permitted to drive or even walk much further than to the bathroom or kitchen. It was all in order for our 3 unborn babies to have the best chance possible during their development.

Tyler and Brandon's father and step-mother, Renee, were physically able to provide for the boys and everything they needed. They had the means necessary to do whatever was needed for the boys' care and well being. Given the circumstances, Tyler and Brandon were able to receive full attention, academic guidance/assistance, transportation, etc. they wanted and needed.

Another reason I made the decision to have the boys stay with their dad and Renee was LOVE. As I spent time with the boys, while they lived with their dad and Renee, I witnessed the mutual love and care exhibited between all of them. I knew Renee loved Tyler and Brandon as if they were her own. I felt very comfortable leaving them in their care and have been eternally grateful to Renee for that care and love she has given to them. They gave Tyler and Brandon what I wasn't in the position to do at that time. In March 2004, I met with the boys and explained to them how I wouldn't be able to see them for awhile. I told them repeatedly how much I love(d) them and would miss them terribly.

I am sure there are some people that may think that I didn't/don't care about Tyler, Brandon, and Emilie but they couldn't be more wrong. It takes one heck of an unselfish and strong mother to put her children's best interest before her own. It was absolutely one of the HARDEST decisions I've ever had to make but to this day I don't regret it. I just wish their dad would've been able to put his own issues and animosity against me aside and not let it effect the relationship between the boys and I. Well not only me but my family as well. It's sad that we've missed so many years not being able to watch them grow up, be able to hug them, or just knowing they are doing okay for so many years. In fact, it's not even what we've missed but what the boys and my daughter have missed out on not having the opportunity to know their brothers and sisters here. l find it just pitiful that there are 7 siblings in this world that aren't allowed to have a relationship because the "adults" can't seem to find forgiveness in their hearts and move forward.

It's an on-going epidemic in this country that some marriages (an estimated 50%) don't work and people wind up divorced. There were things that both sides should take responsibility for when it comes to the downfall of the marriage. That shouldn't mean that the children involved pay the price for what the "adults" feel or felt towards one another. This is especially true when there are NO court records stating that either parent is "unfit". That just happens to be the case when it comes to the situation between me and my 3 children with either of my 2 ex-husbands. Unfortunately it boils down to the ex-wife or ex-husband trying to find ways to hurt one other. Worst part about it is that during the course of the process, it's usually the child(ren) that pay the ultimate price. They are used as pawns in a vindictive way to exhibit the behavior of "control" over the other. Sadly it's a statistical fact that the child(ren) grow up with deep emotional scars that affect them through their adult life. Situations like that have led to drug abuse, difficulty in dealing with their own relationships, depression, resentment, etc.

Thankfully I have been blessed with being able to keep up with how the boys are doing through someone close to them. For that I am eternally grateful. I have sent many photos of our 4 children from here so that when possible they can be shared with the boys. There isn't a DAY that goes by that I don't think about the boys or my 10 year old daughter, Emilie. We persistently talk about Tyler, Brandon and Emilie and how we hope they will get to meet them one day.  I share photos of them and explain their relationship with them.  Our 4 children here get so excited and always say how much they can't wait to meet them one day.  Even if I don't live long enough to see it, it would mean more than anything in the world to me (and I bet even all my children) to have the opportunity to be a part of one another's lives.  All 7 of them haven't done anything to deserve being sheltered from their own siblings.  I pray for the day they will all be together and can move forward having each other as an active part of their lives.

That brings me to my next issue. Hypothetically, if Sean had a child (or children) from a previous marriage (or relationship), I would NEVER try to claim that child as my own NO MATTER WHAT the circumstances were. That child would've had a mother and father, which is a union that no one should take the sanctity from (that goes for either parent). I also wouldn't have assumed anything my husband, or his family, told me since I know it would've been biased and one-sided. How would that be fair to the child(ren)? How would THEY feel if they were in that child's shoes by making them feel unloved by one-half of the two people responsible for bringing them in to the world? I was very fortunate and blessed to have 2 of the most amazing parents. They were married 40 years until my mother's death (2 years ago). I couldn't imagine having either of my parents telling me the other didn't care about or love me. That would have devastated me and at some point in my life I would've probably resented the one that told me that. How could anyone hurt a child like that? How could anyone be so selfish and mean to make ANYONE, especially a child, feel like that? How can ANYONE do whatever it takes to make sure a child doesn't have a relationship with their mother or father? When will people take responsibility for their own words and actions?

After being denied to see or talk to my daughter time and time again, the situation felt hopeless. That was another one of the HARDEST decisions I've ever had to make in my life. I wanted my daughter to have (as much as possible) a stress-free life without having to get the repercussions from me trying to have a part in it. It was a situation that caused a lot of tears and heartache, to not only me, but my children here. I can't even imagine what it's done to Emilie. I don't believe for one second she is perfectly happy. If so, why would she have tried to call me several times last summer? Then she texted me a couple times. I saved the messages in my phone. They read "do you remember me?"; "This is your daughter"; "Emilie". I texted her back and told her that "of course" I remember her and loved her very much. I pray that in her heart she knows how much we all love her here no matter what she's been told. She will ALWAYS have a home with us at any time NO MATTER WHAT!

In January 2005, we went back to court after filing for custody of Emilie. Our triplets were 5 months old and able to travel the distance to SC. We were ready to do whatever it took to have her come live with us (her maternal family). After our court appearance our case was continued. It wasn't long after that Emilie's paternal grandmother asked us if we could work something out to keep the situation out of the courts. Here is where regret comes in. We met with her grandmother and step-grandfather in order to try to work out a resolution we could all agree on with keeping Emilie's best interest at heart. That's all we ever wanted. Sean and I drove to SC to meet with them. We sat down and talked about what would be best for Emilie and where she would be happiest. Emilie's grandmother pleaded with us to let her stay in SC since she had her school, friends, dance classes, etc. Although we felt Emilie should reside with one of her biological parents (preferably me), we didn't want to interrupt her routine. Sean and I decided to let Emilie stay in SC and we discontinued the custody hearings (against the advice of my attorney). During that time, Sean had been going out on the ship (Navy duty) every other month for "work-ups". He was about to leave in a few months for an upcoming deployment. We figured that since our triplets were so young, I would basically be a "single mom" while he was gone. Having all of that going on and their reasons for wanting her to stay with them is why we chose to let her stay there. We ALL agreed on terms that seemed to be what we all felt would be in Emilie's "best interest". There was an agreement (document) drawn up, signed by everyone, and notarized. As far we were concerned, it basically stated that we would be able to see Emilie every 3 weeks, every other Birthday and Christmas, 2 weeks in the summer, every Mother's Day, and that we would be able to talk to her whenever we wanted. Unfortunately in no time we were getting denied to see her. We haven't had the pleasure to spend Emilie's birthday with her since she was 2 and Christmas since she was 1. Most of the time I would call her on those occasions only to be told she was "with her daddy call back tomorrow". Yes... the SAME daddy who was CONVICTED of cruelty to children after whipping my boys with a belt in December 2002.I was able to spend 2 Mother's Day's during a 5 year span.  Also, Emilie's grandmother made numerous trips to Maryland, not far from my parents, and never even bothered to call my parents to see if they would like to meet them somewhere.  My parents would've loved to have an opportunity to have a relationship with their own biological grandchild.  Unfortunately those attempts were never made and my mother left this world not having the opportunity to see Emilie one more time.

By January 2006, I was trying to figure out when I (we) could visit with Emilie for the next month. I was available to travel to SC any weekend in February 2006. I was told that Emilie was "too busy" the entire month to spend even 1 day with me, her mother. I was told she had birthday parties, sleepovers with her friends, etc. to go to so I wouldn't be able to see her. Seriously, how can a 5 year old be TOO BUSY to spend time with her mother? Things just got worse from there. Whenever I would call her, she would sound guarded like she couldn't talk to me. Over the next couple years, it seemed like I was fighting to have any sort of relationship with MY daughter. When we had made the agreement with her grandmother and step-grandfather a year prior, I truly wanted to believe that they would hold up to their end of the arrangements. I have all of the emails sent by Emilie's grandmother that she has written me saved in folders. There are several stating that we can't see her and some of them are even mean and nasty. If we had gotten custody of Emilie, I would've NEVER done anything to keep her away from her paternal family. I have NEVER said anything to Emilie to make her feel or give her the impression that they didn't love and care about her. That would've only hurt HER and my love for her is much greater than that no matter how I personally feel about them. I've never talked about things that happened in the past between her father and I. It's just a shame that some people in this world don't realize what they are doing to their children (or grandchildren).

I pray that God will help the ones who are confused and hurting in their hearts. I pray that they find their own understanding and not let other people's hateful intentions cloud their their minds. The truth will ALWAYS come out and I have faith that You dear Lord will show them the way. ~Amen

I love ALL 7 of my children more than anything in the world. I pray for the day all of my children have a relationship with me (again), my family, and one another. I KNOW I am a great mother and have learned a lot over the years. Right now, Kamryn and Caidyn have perfect attendance and have been on the Honor Roll. Our son, Ashton, has had some learning difficulties but with the aide of after-school help, he is improving. He's been getting a lot of one on one attention. Our kids are excited about their academics and activities. Rylan was baptized this past Sunday and was such a good boy. He's going to be starting pre-school in the Fall and we already know he will do great. He is such a handsome and smart little boy. I am SO very proud of our healthy and happy children!!

I am comforted in knowing that no matter what people claim to be in any of MY children's life (wherever they are), they can NEVER take away the fact that I AM (and will ALWAYS be) their mother. That was a bond and union initiated by God and no matter what anyone tries to convince themselves, the truth will always be there. Some people should be careful what they are reaching for. It won't be what they expected and when they finally get to where they thought they were going, there will only be more heartaches and disappointments in the end. I believe praying to God for guidance and strength will bring me and my family through anything no matter what. Blood is thicker than water and paper and God plus the truth will always prevail. I have 100% faith that everything will work out the way God intended. Everything happens in God's time, not our time.

For the rest of my readers who are looking to be inspired well, living life one day at a time is the best way to be. If your intentions are to keep coming back so it triggers some sort of animosity in yourself, well perhaps it's time for you to re-evaluate your own life. Those are your own demons and only you can gain control of that. Until then, well I guess you will keep doing what you've been doing to see what is going on my life. Feel free to come back to find some self-awareness, inspiration, or guidance to use toward your own life. I do aim to please :) I personally don't follow others thinking I could find myself or just because I don't want to lose a friend. I don't play one-ups with mutual friends I have with people. That is just childish and one day karma will come back on you. Eventually the truth will blind-side some people and the best part is I will be NO where around. It's just a good thing for some people that I am not a vindictive person. Bless your hearts and may God (and the people you are counting on) be there to help catch you when you fall.

The American Cancer Society - 2011 Relay For Life of Norfolk and Virginia Beach, VA :

The American Cancer Society - 2011 Relay For Life of Norfolk and Virginia Beach, VA :

A Losing Battle

A Losing Battle

by Joyce C. Lock

Satan seduces with Sin.

Sin gives way to Hurt.

Hurt excuses Wounds.

Wounds give way to Hate.

Hate reduces to Evil.

Evil gives way to Battles.

Battles execute Death.

Death gives way to Repentance.

Repentance introduces Hope.

Hope gives way to Forgiving.

Forgiving introduces Healing.

Healing gives way to Faith.

Faith increases Peace.

Peace gives way to Contentment.

Contentment develops Love.

Love gives way to Happiness.

Happiness generates Fulfillment.

Fulfillment gives way to Joy.

Joy accentuates Victory.

Victory gives way to Sharing.

Sharing reproduces seed.

Multiplied seed reaches others.

You'd think Satan would learn:

He can't defeat God!