Grieving and trying to find comfort

SSince my mom died a little over 4 months ago, I have gone through many emotions through the stages of grief. I've been confused over a lot of my feelings as they've poured over in to various aspects of my life. I want answers more than anything and look for comfort and help where I can find it. The pain is so intense and I wish it would go away. I know it won't for awhile but I will find anything I can to at least help ease it. I've been doing some research and came across this site http://www.thegriefblog.com/ I also found the poems below and thought I would share them:

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(This first one is about a child but it describes what I feel like when the pain and reality of losing my mom hits me)

*The Raw Pain of Grief*

July 10, 2009 by The Grief Blog

By Lana Golembeski -

Wham! Bam!

Grief comes tearing around the corner

Blindsides you

You can’t even see it coming!
Life is back to an even keel

As best as it can be.

And then grief rears its ugly head

It just takes a single moment

For it to find you

And hit you hard in your gut

Spinning you back to square one.
The tears flow uncontrollably

And you feel like you just got the news for the first time.
The pain racks your entire body,

And the anger fills your entire soul.
And you scream WHY??

But you know there are no answers.
No one is listening.

The emptiness of that black hole surrounds you

And it sucks you down into the pits of despair.

Again.
Why can’t grief just let you go?

Why can’t you have your child back?

Nothing could feel more wrong

And there is no way to fix it.

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*As If*

July 2, 2009 by The Grief Blog

By Kristen Spexarth -

Somewhere along a lifetime most are broken but we pretend we are not taking up armor and masks as if so doing we could fool the rest as if a state of brokenness was something to be ashamed of.

Contorted behind a smiling and daily polished patina we bend ourselves into pretzels for fear of a glimmer, warm and needing, might shine through and blow our cool.

As if no one could read the details running ticker tape across our foreheads.

As if none could see our clumsy antics tripping over bloated and rotting unattended business. 


As if our single-minded hypocrisy caused no pain. 


As if we could hide from who we are, as if who we are was hiding.

And still we are loved by those who see us better than we see ourselveslove letting go of face forever and taking up the heart of us however broken.

Perhaps it is time to accept that broken is a part of place that within these learning fields on earth broken is a state of grace wherein opportunity exists to learn the best and the worst of it.

Perhaps it’s time to recognize and embrace the way we feel picking our broken pieces off the ground of being, learning to knit them together again with compassion for ourselves, larger than we were before, larger than we ever imagined, building with a new awareness that somehow broken opens a door invisible before.

And with new found wholeness, expansive,that embraces the broken and the mending we become alive to the possibility of sharing our humanity.

Unbroken we can never know this.

So let go of fear of falling, stubbing pride and dignity embrace the lessons a lifetime brings laughing and crying wholeheartedly.

To ride our time without a bump in our imagined being would be to live an epoxy bubble, brittle, indifferent, and unmoved by beauty untouched by an ocean of love surroundingbeckoning us to jump.

Reality is what we take to be true.

What we take to be true is what we believe.

What we believe is based upon our perceptions.

What we perceive depends upon what we look for.

What we look for depends upon what we think.

What we think depends upon what we perceive.

What we perceive determines what we believe.

What we believe determines what we take to be true.

What we take to be true is our reality.

~ Gary Zukav ~

For my Dad

God took the strength of a mountain
The majesty of a tree
The warmth of a summer sun
The calm of a quiet sea
The generous soul of nature
The comforting arm of night
The power of the eagles flight
The joy of a morning spring
The faith of a mustard seed
The patience of eternity
The depth of a family need
Then God combined these qualities
And then there was nothing more to add
He knew his masterpiece was complete
And so he called it... Dad.
~Author Unknown

(I love you Dad!)

I've learned..... by Andy Rooney

I've learned...that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned...that when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned...that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned...that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned...that being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned...that you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned...that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned...that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned...that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned...that simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned...that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned...that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned...that money doesn't buy class.

I've learned...that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned...that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned...that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned...that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned...that love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned...that the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned...that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned...that there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned...that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned...that life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned...that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned...that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned...that I wish I could have told my (Mom) that I love (her) one more time before (s)he passed away.

I've learned...that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned...that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned...that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned...that when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned...that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned...that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

I've learned...that the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

A veteran

A veteran - whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve -is someone who, at one point in his or her life, wrote a blank checkmade payable to "The United States of America," for an amount of "up to and including my life." That is honor...

Author Unknown

Blonde moments...

Today's topic seems to be about those infamous blonde moments. This morning, an old friend of mine described something she did that had her thinking "I can't believe I just did that". She was making a cup of hot tea and as she took a sip of hot water, she immediately realized she forgot to add the teabag. This of course put a smile on my face as I know this kind of scenario all too well. I've decided since I tend to write more serious and thought-provoking blogs, I would occasionally add a little humor with my own stories of "blonde moments" in my blog.

One particular incident comes to mind that really had me thinking "WOW I can't believe I did that!". In the fall of 2005, our 15 month old triplets and I were staying with my in-laws in Georgia while Sean was on deployment. One day, my mother-in-law helped me with the process of coloring my hair. As I pulled the contents out of the box, I apparently didn't pay much attention to the fact that the color tube and conditioner tube looked similar to each other. I had colored my hair numerous times before so this should have been a piece of cake. I poured one of the tubes in to the developer bottle and started to shake it up. My mother-in-law then applied the product to my hair until it was fully saturated. Next, I waited between 30 - 40 minutes for my hair to process what was supposed to be the color.

Once I felt it was time to rinse, I got in to the shower and washed the chemicals from my hair. I did notice that there wasn't a strong odor that I normally smelled with hair dye but didn't think much about it. Once I felt all of the product was rinsed from my hair, I opened the tube I thought was conditioner. I immediately took notice to the powerful aroma emitting from the tube and suddenly realized I had just conditioned my hair for 30 - 40 minutes. I couldn't believe I had squeezed the conditioner in to the developer instead of the hair color! I was so embarrassed as I went to explain to my mother-in-law why my hair was the exact same color as it was when we started.

I don't always have moments like these and for those days I escape without one, I like to think I can consider those my "roll-over moments" for the next day.

My mother's passing and the grieving process

If you've ever had someone close to you die, it is a pain so intense that sometimes you don't know how you will be able to move on. I lost my mother to cancer on March 20, 2009 (my birthday). She battled Endometroidal Cancer for almost 6 years. She took a turn for the worst around Thanksgiving 2008 and only went downhill from there. The last 3 weeks of her life, I spent beside her as she laid in a hospital bed in my parent's living room. She was under Hospice care and I spent everyday trying to get her to eat and keeping her clean. I knew the inevitable was coming and wasn't going to be around much longer. I tried to think of everything I wanted to say and do before she was gone. We had long talks and even apologized and forgave one another for any hurt from the past. I truly felt that the day she took her last breath, there were no regrets. I have since then found a couple that I wish I could turn back the hands of time and complete.

First, I miss her voice. No matter what the topic or state of mind I was in, calling my Mom and talking to her somehow made everything better. She didn't even have to say much. If I had thought about it sooner, I would have recorded her voice, asking her "Mom, what am I going to do when you aren't here anymore....?" and let her respond. That way when I am upset or feeling like I need to talk with my Mom, I could play what I recorded over and over.

Another thing I wish I had thought of sooner if learning more about her life and family history. My Dad and I have been going through her things and have learned more about her we didn't know. She couldn't make it to church the last few months of her life and often times complained my Dad was spending too much time at the church. Well to the surprise of my Dad and I, she was doing her own bible study and in quite detail I might add. During her service, the Rector, father John, mentioned how he and his wife spent some time with my mother while she was in the hospital. He asked her what her favorite hymn was and he said "without missing a beat she replied Psalm 119, thy Word". My Dad and I sat in the pew with amazement as this was a side of my mother we didn't know. I found a book called "A father's legacy" and I am giving it to my Dad for Father's Day. It is about 192 pages and he fills it in. It starts with basic information and then goes further in to his childhood on up through the years. To me, it is priceless information that can't be found once he is no longer with us. I wish I would have thought about that when my mother was still alive. There is so much I obviously didn't know about her and unfortunately it's too late to find out.I am still healing and probably will be for a long time. My grandma (maternal grandmother) passed away in January 2009. I have taken quite a blow so close to together in family deaths this year.

I know there are normal processes in healing and grieving but don't know what they are. It is normal to cry, be angry, get depressed, etc. I just wonder when I feel those things, if it is related to grieving even if I am not thinking about the loss? I am an otherwise happy person and happy with my life. I worry about my Dad and wished we lived closer. I know he has been having a hard time dealing with my Mom's passing and I don't like him being alone. He has 2 large dogs to keep him company, and occupied.

The houses time forgot with my thoughts.... (originally written Jan 26, 09 and copied from my Myspace blog)

(scroll down to view more pictures of houses I saw on my journey)

Over the course of the past few weeks, I have made several trips from my home in VA to my parents in MD. The trip is approximately 200 miles and takes about 4 hours to drive. That is with minimal stops, no heavy traffic, and doing just above the speed limit. Well I typically drive at night so the scenery is mostly trees on the side of a dark road and other vehicles. I drive the same route every time by using the Interstate, local highways and long country roads. The past few trips, I decided to drive during the day time. I didn't realize all I had been missing driving at night. When I got on to the local highway and continued my journey down the country roadways, I began to notice the beautifully landscaped countryside. By that I mean houses that time forgot and echoes of a long ago past. I have a sincere passion and appreciation for old and antique buildings. The roads I was travelling on had some of the most beautiful estates, houses and even barns that showed the scars of time. The ones that touched me the most were homes that were obviously once beautiful now left alone to sit and remind us of the past.Not my past but someones past. I would like to think that once upon a time, there were happy memories and family bonding in those houses. Houses that people once called home. What happened to them? Why is this once beautiful house just left to waste away? Why didn't someone want it or why wasn't it taken care of? I know I will never know the answers to these questions. Those houses are still beautiful to me regardless of what time has left it with.


This had me thinking even further about the old cliche "you can't take it with you". That is referring to when you pass on, you can't take valuables and "things" with you. In light of my Grandma passing recently, she left behind a lot of beautiful furniture, jewelry, and possessions she once treasured. I haven't asked my parents about the Will since it is not something I am ready for. I was thinking about how there are people out there who are so greedy, they hope for people to die so they can inherit money and possessions. I don't understand people like that. If I had to trade an exuberant amount of money for the memories I shared with my Grandma, I would turn it down in a heartbeat. There is something you CAN take with you when you go. The value of life, love and happiness is far more valuable than any amount of money or things. It is PRICELESS! Those memories I hold so close to my heart and they will go with me one day when it is my turn to leave this earth. They mean more to me than anything that could be given to me and I wouldn't trade them for the world.


There is a photo album at my parent's house full of pictures from my Grandma's life. They contain pictures of her relatives from her childhood in to her adult life and beyond. I had always wanted to sit with my Grandma and have her tell me who some of the people were. It was obvious the pictures were very old and some were even taken in Czechoslovakia. Now that she is gone, I will never know who those people are. I know who a lot of the people are in most of the pictures but for the ones I don't know, I lost the chance to find out. That information went with my Grandma when she died and there is no one left who can tell me.


Life is so short and unpredictable. I often over-analyze things sometimes but my heart is in the right place. I can't wait to pass on the things I know to my children and grandchildren one day. I find it valuable to be able to hang on to your family roots as much as you can. I know my Grandma had a great life and had wonderful memories she took with her. Living a fulfilling and happy life is all we can ask for. Your life, memories and love will go with you.....

Is it time for school now?

I find it humorous that Caidyn asks me EVERY SINGLE DAY if it's time to go to school today. She is so anxious to get back to school. I hope she has this much enthusiasm 5, 6, 7.... years from now. Caidyn, Kamryn and Ashton just finished pre-k and are registered for Kindergarten this coming school year. I can't believe how fast they are growing.