Just my thoughts....

With such a hectic and busy, yet productive life, I haven't had time to get on here lately. It's late right now and I've had a few things on my mind recently. For those who are interested and like to keep track of my life, read on....  For everyone else, feel free to find the little red X at the top right side of the screen and click it.  :)

I often wonder how some people sleep at night. I just don't understand how people do the things they do then continue to live with themselves. Do they even have a conscience? It just makes me wonder how they think their actions are good then try to justify what they do/say to others and even themselves. They tend to make excuses for what they say and do then constantly blame others. It's like they are the perpetual "victim". I'm not talking about someone making a mistake then later realizing it. I am talking about people that live their everyday lives with a self-centered attitude while hurting others consistently.

I do believe most people are good at heart and truly want to do the right thing to and for others. Then there are those whose negative personalities make them proud and boastful. Do they even realize how bad they look to people on the outside and even hurt others in the process? Do they even care? I truly think everything we go through in life happens for a reason. Some situations and relationships are good while others are for the worse. As far as the negative issues and people I've dealt with in my life, ehhh I just chalk them up as lessons learned and move on from them. If it wasn't for them, life would be too easy. I like to think of those times as "how not to be" when it comes to dealing with people and relationships in my life. Of course that can go both ways. I know how to take responsibility for my own downfalls. I don't forget the past and can almost always find something to learn about from any situation. I like to focus on the good times with anyone I've known. I don't let people control me by bringing me down. I don't "hate" anyone but I dislike how some people have treated me and/or others. I believe it is the right thing to do by "hating the sin and not the sinner". "How exactly does that work? We hate sin by refusing to take part in it and by condemning it when we see it. Sin is to be hated, not excused or taken lightly. We love sinners by being faithful in witnessing to them of the forgiveness that is available through Jesus Christ. A true act of love is treating someone with respect and kindness even though he/she knows you do not approve of his lifestyle and/or choices. It is not loving to allow a person to remain stuck in sin. It is not hateful to tell a person he/she is in sin. In fact, the exact opposites are true. We love the sinner by speaking the truth in love. We hate the sin by refusing to condone, ignore, or excuse it." I'm certainly not saying I'm perfect (no one is) and I do own up to my own downfalls and things I've said and/or done. I learn from my mistakes and then try to do my best to apply those virtues to my life. I think that's the best way to handle things because life is too short to focus on negativity and mean people.

What matters MOST in my life is, first and foremost, my family. There's my awesome and amazing husband of over 7 years, Sean, who has been my rock! He's shown me that there are men out there that KNOW how to treat a woman. He isn't aggressive (or mean) and knows how to own up to his own faults (we ALL have them). Like every other human being on this planet, he isn't perfect but he IS the best man I could have ever found to be my husband and best friend. He's handsome, smart, thoughtful, caring, a wonderful father, and has every quality I could ever want in a husband.

Right up there with my husband are our beautiful and wonderful children! Over the past 6-7 years, our 4 children have been the epitome of our life and there isn't anything we wouldn't do for them. I believe if more people would focus on what's in the best interest of the children in their care, the world would be a much better place. If ANY of my children needed anything (such as a kidney for example), my next response would be "tell me what I can do!". I would do WHATEVER it takes to make sure my children get everything they need!

Again, I personally don't know how some people sleep at night with their self-centered motives and actions. How in the world can anyone make up lies and accusations about people (that have NO merit) to fulfill their own selfish wants and desires? I just don't get it! I can (and have) put my children FIRST, as demonstrated with my 2 oldest boys, Tyler and Brandon. They have lived with their dad and his wife for the past several years because I CHOSE to do what was in THEIR best interest. During that time (Feb - Mar 2004), I was 3 months pregnant with triplets. If they had been in my custody during that time, it wouldn't have been beneficial for them or me. It wasn't about what I wanted at that point. Don't get me wrong, I wanted my boys (AND Emilie) with me more than anything in the world. But while I was pregnant with triplets, I wound up on (doctor ordered) strict bed-rest for 18 weeks. I wasn't medically permitted to drive or even walk much further than to the bathroom or kitchen. It was all in order for our 3 unborn babies to have the best chance possible during their development.

Tyler and Brandon's father and step-mother, Renee, were physically able to provide for the boys and everything they needed. They had the means necessary to do whatever was needed for the boys' care and well being. Given the circumstances, Tyler and Brandon were able to receive full attention, academic guidance/assistance, transportation, etc. they wanted and needed.

Another reason I made the decision to have the boys stay with their dad and Renee was LOVE. As I spent time with the boys, while they lived with their dad and Renee, I witnessed the mutual love and care exhibited between all of them. I knew Renee loved Tyler and Brandon as if they were her own. I felt very comfortable leaving them in their care and have been eternally grateful to Renee for that care and love she has given to them. They gave Tyler and Brandon what I wasn't in the position to do at that time. In March 2004, I met with the boys and explained to them how I wouldn't be able to see them for awhile. I told them repeatedly how much I love(d) them and would miss them terribly.

I am sure there are some people that may think that I didn't/don't care about Tyler, Brandon, and Emilie but they couldn't be more wrong. It takes one heck of an unselfish and strong mother to put her children's best interest before her own. It was absolutely one of the HARDEST decisions I've ever had to make but to this day I don't regret it. I just wish their dad would've been able to put his own issues and animosity against me aside and not let it effect the relationship between the boys and I. Well not only me but my family as well. It's sad that we've missed so many years not being able to watch them grow up, be able to hug them, or just knowing they are doing okay for so many years. In fact, it's not even what we've missed but what the boys and my daughter have missed out on not having the opportunity to know their brothers and sisters here. l find it just pitiful that there are 7 siblings in this world that aren't allowed to have a relationship because the "adults" can't seem to find forgiveness in their hearts and move forward.

It's an on-going epidemic in this country that some marriages (an estimated 50%) don't work and people wind up divorced. There were things that both sides should take responsibility for when it comes to the downfall of the marriage. That shouldn't mean that the children involved pay the price for what the "adults" feel or felt towards one another. This is especially true when there are NO court records stating that either parent is "unfit". That just happens to be the case when it comes to the situation between me and my 3 children with either of my 2 ex-husbands. Unfortunately it boils down to the ex-wife or ex-husband trying to find ways to hurt one other. Worst part about it is that during the course of the process, it's usually the child(ren) that pay the ultimate price. They are used as pawns in a vindictive way to exhibit the behavior of "control" over the other. Sadly it's a statistical fact that the child(ren) grow up with deep emotional scars that affect them through their adult life. Situations like that have led to drug abuse, difficulty in dealing with their own relationships, depression, resentment, etc.

Thankfully I have been blessed with being able to keep up with how the boys are doing through someone close to them. For that I am eternally grateful. I have sent many photos of our 4 children from here so that when possible they can be shared with the boys. There isn't a DAY that goes by that I don't think about the boys or my 10 year old daughter, Emilie. We persistently talk about Tyler, Brandon and Emilie and how we hope they will get to meet them one day.  I share photos of them and explain their relationship with them.  Our 4 children here get so excited and always say how much they can't wait to meet them one day.  Even if I don't live long enough to see it, it would mean more than anything in the world to me (and I bet even all my children) to have the opportunity to be a part of one another's lives.  All 7 of them haven't done anything to deserve being sheltered from their own siblings.  I pray for the day they will all be together and can move forward having each other as an active part of their lives.

That brings me to my next issue. Hypothetically, if Sean had a child (or children) from a previous marriage (or relationship), I would NEVER try to claim that child as my own NO MATTER WHAT the circumstances were. That child would've had a mother and father, which is a union that no one should take the sanctity from (that goes for either parent). I also wouldn't have assumed anything my husband, or his family, told me since I know it would've been biased and one-sided. How would that be fair to the child(ren)? How would THEY feel if they were in that child's shoes by making them feel unloved by one-half of the two people responsible for bringing them in to the world? I was very fortunate and blessed to have 2 of the most amazing parents. They were married 40 years until my mother's death (2 years ago). I couldn't imagine having either of my parents telling me the other didn't care about or love me. That would have devastated me and at some point in my life I would've probably resented the one that told me that. How could anyone hurt a child like that? How could anyone be so selfish and mean to make ANYONE, especially a child, feel like that? How can ANYONE do whatever it takes to make sure a child doesn't have a relationship with their mother or father? When will people take responsibility for their own words and actions?

After being denied to see or talk to my daughter time and time again, the situation felt hopeless. That was another one of the HARDEST decisions I've ever had to make in my life. I wanted my daughter to have (as much as possible) a stress-free life without having to get the repercussions from me trying to have a part in it. It was a situation that caused a lot of tears and heartache, to not only me, but my children here. I can't even imagine what it's done to Emilie. I don't believe for one second she is perfectly happy. If so, why would she have tried to call me several times last summer? Then she texted me a couple times. I saved the messages in my phone. They read "do you remember me?"; "This is your daughter"; "Emilie". I texted her back and told her that "of course" I remember her and loved her very much. I pray that in her heart she knows how much we all love her here no matter what she's been told. She will ALWAYS have a home with us at any time NO MATTER WHAT!

In January 2005, we went back to court after filing for custody of Emilie. Our triplets were 5 months old and able to travel the distance to SC. We were ready to do whatever it took to have her come live with us (her maternal family). After our court appearance our case was continued. It wasn't long after that Emilie's paternal grandmother asked us if we could work something out to keep the situation out of the courts. Here is where regret comes in. We met with her grandmother and step-grandfather in order to try to work out a resolution we could all agree on with keeping Emilie's best interest at heart. That's all we ever wanted. Sean and I drove to SC to meet with them. We sat down and talked about what would be best for Emilie and where she would be happiest. Emilie's grandmother pleaded with us to let her stay in SC since she had her school, friends, dance classes, etc. Although we felt Emilie should reside with one of her biological parents (preferably me), we didn't want to interrupt her routine. Sean and I decided to let Emilie stay in SC and we discontinued the custody hearings (against the advice of my attorney). During that time, Sean had been going out on the ship (Navy duty) every other month for "work-ups". He was about to leave in a few months for an upcoming deployment. We figured that since our triplets were so young, I would basically be a "single mom" while he was gone. Having all of that going on and their reasons for wanting her to stay with them is why we chose to let her stay there. We ALL agreed on terms that seemed to be what we all felt would be in Emilie's "best interest". There was an agreement (document) drawn up, signed by everyone, and notarized. As far we were concerned, it basically stated that we would be able to see Emilie every 3 weeks, every other Birthday and Christmas, 2 weeks in the summer, every Mother's Day, and that we would be able to talk to her whenever we wanted. Unfortunately in no time we were getting denied to see her. We haven't had the pleasure to spend Emilie's birthday with her since she was 2 and Christmas since she was 1. Most of the time I would call her on those occasions only to be told she was "with her daddy call back tomorrow". Yes... the SAME daddy who was CONVICTED of cruelty to children after whipping my boys with a belt in December 2002.I was able to spend 2 Mother's Day's during a 5 year span.  Also, Emilie's grandmother made numerous trips to Maryland, not far from my parents, and never even bothered to call my parents to see if they would like to meet them somewhere.  My parents would've loved to have an opportunity to have a relationship with their own biological grandchild.  Unfortunately those attempts were never made and my mother left this world not having the opportunity to see Emilie one more time.

By January 2006, I was trying to figure out when I (we) could visit with Emilie for the next month. I was available to travel to SC any weekend in February 2006. I was told that Emilie was "too busy" the entire month to spend even 1 day with me, her mother. I was told she had birthday parties, sleepovers with her friends, etc. to go to so I wouldn't be able to see her. Seriously, how can a 5 year old be TOO BUSY to spend time with her mother? Things just got worse from there. Whenever I would call her, she would sound guarded like she couldn't talk to me. Over the next couple years, it seemed like I was fighting to have any sort of relationship with MY daughter. When we had made the agreement with her grandmother and step-grandfather a year prior, I truly wanted to believe that they would hold up to their end of the arrangements. I have all of the emails sent by Emilie's grandmother that she has written me saved in folders. There are several stating that we can't see her and some of them are even mean and nasty. If we had gotten custody of Emilie, I would've NEVER done anything to keep her away from her paternal family. I have NEVER said anything to Emilie to make her feel or give her the impression that they didn't love and care about her. That would've only hurt HER and my love for her is much greater than that no matter how I personally feel about them. I've never talked about things that happened in the past between her father and I. It's just a shame that some people in this world don't realize what they are doing to their children (or grandchildren).

I pray that God will help the ones who are confused and hurting in their hearts. I pray that they find their own understanding and not let other people's hateful intentions cloud their their minds. The truth will ALWAYS come out and I have faith that You dear Lord will show them the way. ~Amen

I love ALL 7 of my children more than anything in the world. I pray for the day all of my children have a relationship with me (again), my family, and one another. I KNOW I am a great mother and have learned a lot over the years. Right now, Kamryn and Caidyn have perfect attendance and have been on the Honor Roll. Our son, Ashton, has had some learning difficulties but with the aide of after-school help, he is improving. He's been getting a lot of one on one attention. Our kids are excited about their academics and activities. Rylan was baptized this past Sunday and was such a good boy. He's going to be starting pre-school in the Fall and we already know he will do great. He is such a handsome and smart little boy. I am SO very proud of our healthy and happy children!!

I am comforted in knowing that no matter what people claim to be in any of MY children's life (wherever they are), they can NEVER take away the fact that I AM (and will ALWAYS be) their mother. That was a bond and union initiated by God and no matter what anyone tries to convince themselves, the truth will always be there. Some people should be careful what they are reaching for. It won't be what they expected and when they finally get to where they thought they were going, there will only be more heartaches and disappointments in the end. I believe praying to God for guidance and strength will bring me and my family through anything no matter what. Blood is thicker than water and paper and God plus the truth will always prevail. I have 100% faith that everything will work out the way God intended. Everything happens in God's time, not our time.

For the rest of my readers who are looking to be inspired well, living life one day at a time is the best way to be. If your intentions are to keep coming back so it triggers some sort of animosity in yourself, well perhaps it's time for you to re-evaluate your own life. Those are your own demons and only you can gain control of that. Until then, well I guess you will keep doing what you've been doing to see what is going on my life. Feel free to come back to find some self-awareness, inspiration, or guidance to use toward your own life. I do aim to please :) I personally don't follow others thinking I could find myself or just because I don't want to lose a friend. I don't play one-ups with mutual friends I have with people. That is just childish and one day karma will come back on you. Eventually the truth will blind-side some people and the best part is I will be NO where around. It's just a good thing for some people that I am not a vindictive person. Bless your hearts and may God (and the people you are counting on) be there to help catch you when you fall.