Prior to 3 years ago, and as far back as I can remember, I've been a pessimistic, yet a realistic, person. I am certain that my negative thinking probably cost me many years of happiness. Finally, a few years ago, I had a life-altering epitome and decided I needed to make some changes about myself. I thought a lot about it but haven't been able to think of anything specifically that caused me to feel that way. I just got to the point where I wasn't happy with the person I had become over the years. I know I am a good person with a caring heart but there were some things about myself I felt wasn't right. I knew I needed to find a way to be a more positive-thinking/acting person but remain a realist at the same time. Problem was, how was I going to start this new path of positive thinking? How was I going to be an optimist and keep my realistic thoughts and ideas? I know the world isn't all rainbows and butterflies but, at the same time, it wasn't as dark a place as I once thought it was. I once felt that Murphy's law was written for me and if anything bad was going to happen, I was sure it was going to cross my path. When something negative happened to me that involved someone else, whether I knew them or not, I took anything said or done to me personally. Even though I have always believed life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it, I would tend to forget that when situations would arise. I sometimes reacted (or over-reacted) to whatever the situation was. I would get defensive even if what happened was something unintentional.
About 8 years ago, I went to a preacher for guidance and after he listened to my story, he handed me a bible. He said I would find everything I needed in there. I was appreciative but still felt empty and without any answers or guidance. Finally one day I decided to open that bible and couldn't believe how much I had been missing.
About 3 years ago, I decided that I wanted to change certain ways I handled things in my life. I didn't like the way I interacted with people and even God. I was defensive and often times over-reactive. I didn't like that part of myself and realized that I had been trying to run my own life. I wound up in situations that left me depressed and empty. I felt I wasn't the wife, mother, daughter, friend, etc. my loved ones deserved. I knew something was missing and decided that my bible was the best place to turn to. I've read my bible here and there over the years but wound up feeling even more confused as to where my path in life was headed. I wound up with even more questions than I had before. To find my own understanding through the words and scriptures, I decided to read and study my bible. Then it seemed what I had been searching for finally came to me. I opened my heart to God and let Him guide me where He needed me. I prayed for Him to help me find a way to understand what I needed to from the bible. During that walk with God, I started to find the answers I was desperately searching for. I knew that if I wanted to change things about myself, it would have to start with one step at a time.
After weeks and months of praying, reading, blogging, and thinking, the answers came to me. I started to get the answers I so desperately needed and knew what I had to do in order to be the nicer and more positive person I wanted to be. The person God wanted me to be. For so long I had been this defensive, reactive, negative person and felt withdrawn from society for most of my life. Because of events that had happened in my life, I felt like I was having to defend myself and reacted negatively when I felt I was being "attacked". I couldn't always find the good things I had around me but found it easy to pick out the negatives. I now realized that in order to change my way of thinking, and consequently acting, I had to take small steps one day at a time. I started by doing at least one random act of kindness every day. Whether it was letting someone in front of me in traffic, or telling someone I hope they have a nice day, to helping someone in need, I knew that was a great starting point to a better me. Although I felt a little bit out of my "comfort zone" at first, it got easier and easier over time. I eventually found myself looking for ways to help others and be just be nice.
Then one day I got my first "test". I had pulled in to a parking lot and was waiting for a parking space. Seconds after I got there, another vehicle came from the other side and sat there as I assumed he was waiting for the same parking space. The parked vehicle backed up and I was able to park in their spot. The strange part was that there was a space right next to him that was open so the other waiting vehicle could've parked anyway. Well when the man, who parked next to me, got out of his vehicle, I could tell he had an attitude with me by the snide comments he was making. Instead of turning around and responding to him, I ignored him, kept a smile on my face and proceeded in to the store to get what I went there for. I brought my purchases to the register and even had a friendly chat with the cashier. As I went to exit the building, I could see out of the corner of my eye that the man, with the attitude, was watching me. I didn't look at him or even acknowledge him. I walked out with a big smile on my face, got into my vehicle, and left feeling great. I felt that his attitude was HIS problem and I wasn't going to be a part of it. I have control over my own actions and I wasn't going to let someone else have control over me. Perhaps the "old" me probably would've got in to an argument with the man and who knows what would've happened. It just wasn't worth it.
Everyday I try to make it a point to do or say something nice to someone. I have really worked hard on becoming the person I know I am in my heart. Day by day it has felt great to know that perhaps I made someone else's day maybe just a little better. Treating people the way I wanted to be treated.
I felt I was finally able to find forgiveness in myself and began to find a way to forgive others. This has been one of the hardest things for me to do but has also the most rewarding. Everyday I thank God for giving me the answers. All this time I had those answers but didn't realize it until I opened that bible that was given to me years before. I was once so misguided and thought it was God who was to blame for all the turmoil and trauma that went on in my life. I know now that it was ME that was to blame and I just didn't see the opportunities and guidance God was trying to give me.
Once I was on the right path of figuring out who I really was and becoming a better person, I also learned to break down the walls of unforgiveness in my heart. I thought about those who had hurt me in the past and about the anger that had consumed my heart and mind. By reading scriptures in my bible, (instead of quoting all of them, here's a resource you can click on): bible scriptures about forgiveness I learned that in order for me to be forgiven, I must forgive others. I thought "who am I to not forgive the misgivings of others"? None of us are perfect and I know I would want to be forgiven. I know that God has touched my heart, through my soul, so I can find peace with those I needed to forgive. I try to find a way to see them, as God sees them, and how they are precious to Him. I also realize that I can see myself through other people as well. I am just as guilty of failure and sin as they are. I too need to be forgiven. If God doesn't withhold His forgiveness from me, why should I not find forgiveness in my heart for someone else?
"The best reason to forgive is because Jesus commanded us to. From scripture we learn that if we don't forgive, we in turn won't be forgiven."
"For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" - Matthew 6:14-15
When we experience the freedom that comes as a result of forgiveness, we will then know our work is complete. We are the ones who suffer the most when we chose to not forgive. As a result of forgiving one another, the Lord sets out hearts free from the bitterness, anger, hurt, and resentment that had imprisoned us. Most often, however, forgiveness is a slow process. Jesus makes it clear to us that forgiveness is not easy. It isn't a one-time choice we make then automatically live in a state of forgiveness.
"And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses" Mark 11:25
"Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." - Matthew 18:21-22
It may take a lifetime to happen but forgiveness is important to God. Until the matter is settled in our hearts, we must continue to forgive. We must pray for the person we need to forgive. We need to pray for God to handle the injustices and to judge that person's life, then pray for that person. It is important to find a way to let go of the anger. Anger is the easiest emotion for us to have. Understanding Anger It's normal for us to feel anger toward injustice and sin. Holding on to that anger is unhealthy and against what Jesus has taught us.
We, as humans, are fallible and not in a good position to judge others. The Bible points out in that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). That means that nobody is in a position to be judgmental about another person's actions. Even Jesus himself, who was without sin, did not condemn the adulterous woman when others were about to stone her (John 8:1-11). Jesus instead invited the person who was "without sin" to cast the first stone.
"For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again." - Matthew 7:2
"Ye shall not respect persons in judgment; but ye shall hear the small as well as the great; ye shall not be afraid of the face of man; for the judgment is God's: and the cause that is too hard for you, bring it unto me, and I will hear it." - Deuteronomy 1:17
"Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven" - Luke 6:37
All of this self discovery came at a very poignant part of my life. About 9 months after I started to make changes within myself, I was faced with one of the hardest challenges life can give anyone. My mother had been fighting cancer for about 5 1/2 years and all of a sudden her health was rapidly declining. Within 4 months, we were faced with the fact that my mom didn't have much longer to live. I was so very blessed to have the opportunity to be there with my parents and help take care of my mom during her last weeks before she died. The relationship I had with my mother had been rocky over the years. I loved my mom more than anything in the world but we would get angry or upset with one another from time to time. But as I watched my mom slowly fading away, I realized how much she meant to me. All those times we didn't get along or had been angry with one another didn't matter anymore. During her last days, we talked about so much. At one point I needed her to know that I forgave her for anything I felt she had done that hurt me in the past. She also told me she forgave me as well and that meant the world to me. My mother passed away about a week later and although I was sad and heart-broken, I felt so thankful to God for giving me the time with her I really needed. I can't imagine what I would've felt if we hadn't had that time to tell each other how much we loved and forgave one another.
"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." - Ephesians 4:32
”The great failure of mankind is not sin, because temptation is strong and we are very weak. It is the fact that at any moment we can be completely forgiven, just for asking, and we don’t ask.” (St. Francis)
"Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye." - Colossians 3:13.
As most Christians, we judge between good and evil while avoiding association with those who defiantly and unrepentantly do wrong. God warns us that we are not to judge in a way that is petty or hypocritical. After all, God is the Judge and we are, as individuals, ultimately responsible for being judged, not doing the judging. When the time comes, the question we will all be faced with will not be, "What did he do?" or "What did she do?" but rather, "What did you do?"
I couldn't believe the overwhelming feeling of, what felt like, a weight being lifted off my shoulders as I let go of any animosity towards those I had once felt I could never forgive. It was a wonderful feeling and it started my next phase in the "new" me. I thought a lot about others who, I have felt, hurt me in the past and prayed to God to help me find forgiveness in my heart for them. I felt compelled to write a couple of them and explain that I held no grudge against them and forgave them for anything that happened in the past. I then asked them to also find a way to forgive me if there was anything I said or did to hurt them. The feedback I got was surprisingly tremendous. That doesn't mean the relationship or friendship we once had will go back to the way it was before. Just being able to find peace and forgiveness with one another has been life altering and wonderful for me. I feel I have a much deeper understanding as to what forgiveness truly means and being able to let go of any animosity towards others. I have been able to forgive most of the people in my life. There are some that we have been able to reconnect as friends and I am very grateful for that.
Up until a week ago, I had even found forgiveness in my heart toward people I thought I couldn't. I hung on to a grudge against some because it still hurt, even years later. Through time I realized how unhealthy, and even unChristian, it was to hang on to past resentment and anger.
Angry people usually justify their anger, saying it's someone else's fault they are angry. Yet the Bible repeatedly warns us against giving in to anger when we are upset by other people's words or actions.
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" - Ephesians 4:29 - 32
"And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful" 2 Timothy 2:24
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs" - 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
"The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions" - Galatians 5:19-20
"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold" - Ephesians 4:26-7
"And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful" - 2 Timothy 2:24
"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires" - James 1:19-20
"Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing" - 1 Peter 3:9
One of Jesus' most challenging commands is to love your enemies. There are still others that have taken me longer to find forgiveness in my heart and I am still working on it for them to this day. I have never been a vindictive person and try to not intentionally hurt anyone. I know I am guilty of reacting when something or someone angers me. The blogs I have written over the past couple months were not intended to hurt or degrade anyone. I have removed some of them after much thought. My latest one about my son was me trying to understand human nature while defending myself from unnecessary blame. I am one who can put my own feelings and emotions aside and be there for my children. I am not angry with anyone and feel confused as to why some people hold on to grudges. Life is too short to be angry all the time. Perhaps a message of peace and kindness would be better digested than questions about people's actions and feelings?
"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ" - Philippians 1:6
I can honestly say I have never hated anyone. There are things that people have done to anger or upset me but it's their actions I don't like. I believe hate is a wasted emotion and takes up room in our hearts where there should be love. I also believe that we should detest the sin, not the sinner.
It is said that life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% is how you react to it. As far back as I can remember, I have been a reactive person. I used to respond to everything that happened in my life and most often in a negative way. I know I'm not perfect and there are still some times where I respond to things but I try to do my best to not be negative about it. We all get angry since it is the easiest emotion to have. Learning how to channel my anger in more constructive ways and less destructive ways has been something I have been working on for a few years now. When I feel faced with an issue that either anger or upsets me, I try to remove myself from the situation and find a way to deal with, whatever it is, after I get past feeling angry about it. I believe we all have a right to be angry but not a right to be cruel. When we are angry, it's easy to say things we don't mean. I know, in the past, I've said hurtful things out of anger that I later regretted. I am pretty sure pretty much everyone reading this blog has done the same thing.
7+ years ago, I reached a point in my life where I felt I had reached rock bottom. Events that happened in my life dragged me down to where I felt I didn't deserve to be happy. I blamed myself for everything that had gone wrong and felt I was a bad person. I knew in my heart that I wasn't a bad person but at that point in my life, I knew I made some terrible decisions resulting in where my life had gone. My family and friends would try their best to help me. They would remind me, all the time, that I was being too hard on myself and that everything that happened was not my fault. When it comes to forgiveness, the hardest person it has been for me to forgive is myself. Before I could forgive others, I had to find it in my heart to forgive myself first. It has taken me years to realize that I needed God to lead my life and look for the positive things in everything that would happen in my life. It would be easy to feel sad, angry, depressed, etc. at the loss of my mother. However I don't see it that way. I found a way to feel blessed for what I have/had instead of what I don't. The days and hours I was given to spend with my mom, prior to her death, was a blessing. Having my mom for the 37 years of my life is something I am very thankful for. It all made me realize that what we have in our lives is more important than what is missing.
"Better, though difficult, the Right Way to go, Than Wrong, though easy, where the End is Woe" - John Bunyan
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