Transitions - a must read written by my dad

Transitions

Written by Frank R. Griggs Jr.

 
Every person on this planet endures transitions as life progresses, some wonderful and magnificent, some painful and traumatic. First, of course, the most obvious, is birth, a transition to a new life, full of promise, hope and adventure, created in and a testimony to the love between a man and his wife. Whether that new life is one of a boy or a girl, the stages that follow are similar, but different. Each, in his or her time, learns the basic functions necessary for a successful future—learned in stages: as infants, lifting the head, rolling over, and learning to crawl; soon, having learned to pull themselves up onto their feet, the infants learn to walk on their own, and begin learning language and communication skills. As toddlers, children continue to improve and refine those skills. Typically, by age five, each of those former infants is ready to begin something that will occupy each of their lives for the majority of their youngest years: school! First, kindergarten, then the blessings, insults, and difficulties and progress associated with working through elementary, middle or junior high, and then, finally high school. During those many years of school, whether a boy or a girl, each learns about interpersonal relationships, making, keeping and losing friends, as well as learning about bullies and persons who are not desirable acquaintances! More importantly, throughout those school years, the first recognition of the promise envisioned at birth begins — the skill levels, and the unique capabilities possessed and developed by each individual surface. Those skills and capabilities, now recognized and rewarded, thereby encourage further development and refinement, frequently sought at an institution of higher learning – a college or university. Now, having nearly transitioned to an independent and self-sufficient life, the now young man or young woman prepares to assume his or her place and role in society.

A career begins, in whatever field the young man or young woman has chosen, and additional transitions become not only possible, but likely. The young man or woman, having endured “puppy love” relationships in his or her younger years, and more meaningful relationships during their young adult – typically college years, begins to consider and ultimately moves into a long-term, loving relationship, founded on mutual respect, and he or she marries the love of his or her life, probably one of the most important transitions in a life that has already seen many, and anticipates the future with hope and excitement. In American society, the marriage usually is a “double-ring” ceremony, in which a man and his wife commit themselves to each other and exchange rings, symbols of a continuous bond of love and commitment to each other, and, in the Christian faith, signifying a spiritual joining of heart, body and mind, frequently described in the context, “…and the two became one!”




Now, having joined their lives, a man and a woman, with God’s blessings, endure one of the most exciting and intimidating transitions possible: they become parents of one or more children of their own, and the process resumes anew. But the focus here is not on one or more children, it is on the parents, a man and his wife, who, as they had endured themselves, now coach, encourage, cajole, and lead their children through many years of structured learning, until such time as their child or children assume their own independence and adult roles, ultimately providing the man and his wife with still another milestone transition: to the status of grandparents! What a joyful and exciting status being grandparents is, watching your children’s children come into the world and grow through the same processes, even though so much has changed—the cycle continues.



Unfortunately, no life is a perpetual parade of good news and exciting adventures, and there are some transitions that we each would prefer to avoid altogether! One of the most difficult of these has to be recognizing, accepting and adapting to the indignities of major illnesses or other physiological challenges inflicted on our loved ones that intrude on otherwise happy lives. The impact of such afflictions on the family, the relationship, family finances, and future plans is invariably uncertain and frequently inflicts great stresses on all concerned. This is especially difficult in the context of such a reality impacting the child of loving parents, or that of a man or his wife.



At this point, it’s appropriate to acknowledge that the author of this piece is a man, who endured each of the above mentioned transitions himself, as did his wife. Such was the reality this man faced almost seven years ago, when his wife of then 34 years, was diagnosed with an unusual form of cancer, a dreaded and feared disease that frequently has only one outcome. After major surgery, his wife’s condition stabilized, and the cancer remained in a static state, or, if preferred, remission. Consistent monitoring of blood chemistry, recurring CT scans and MRI exams, and X-ray examinations continued to show cancer present but substantially inactive, a reality that lasted for about five and a half years. However, in September two years ago, the medical tests and examinations disclosed that the cancer was once again not only active, but spreading. By Christmas, his wife’s food intake was insignificant, and she continued to grow weaker and weaker as time progressed.


In January, a trip to the local emergency room resulted in an ambulance transfer to another hospital where it was felt a more well-equipped facility could provide better care. The end of the ambulance transfer to another hospital, in an all-night snowstorm, came at about 3 a.m. The husband returned home to get some sleep before driving to the other hospital to see and be with her. Before he could actually get to sleep, she called to advise she was being released, and that he was to come pick her up and bring her home. So, the husband drove to the hospital and brought his wife home. The discharge instructions from the hospital were, “take her home and call her oncologist.” By this time, additional and troubling symptoms were appearing. Not only was she eating almost nothing, her memory was becoming confused and she was having great difficulty just standing, and needed help to get into or out of bed, and help with just about everything else. By the end of February, her condition has deteriorated to the point she was taken to the local emergency room again, this time by ambulance, where, after nearly 26 hours in the emergency room, she was admitted to the hospital. Her condition was considered poor, and it was hoped that the care provided, including two blood transfusions, intravenous feedings, administration of antibiotics to treat suspected infections, and encouragement to eat, would result in an improvement in her condition. Temporary improvements were noted, but the treatments were failing. At this point, the doctors advised her cancer had metastasized to her liver, and both lungs, that there appeared to be still another form of cancer in her pancreas, and that she had what was described as a “normal pressure hydroencephaly,” or, in layman’s terms, “water on the brain,” which was likely causing the memory problems. In short, her condition was terminal. She was taken home by ambulance on a Friday afternoon, and supportive care was provided by Hospice, until the end came, exactly two weeks later, on her daughter’s birthday, and only nine days before his and her 40th wedding anniversary. Her last earthly transition had been completed, but those left behind were confronted with the most difficult of all transitions, that of learning to live without her as a constant presence and part of the lives of the family.


It has now been eighteen months since that awful, dreaded and traumatic day. The grief and pain have been real, with all the commensurate manifestations: tears, relief, anger, envy, and many other emotions and reactions that are either hard to remember or deliberately blocked from conscious memory. The tears because of the loss of such a precious gift; the relief that her suffering and pain had ended; the anger that she left us behind; the envy that she’s in a better place than we, all these things, and more were prevalent and a part of the process. At this point in time, most of the tears have dried, the pain is lessened, but not gone, and the realities of on-going life have diverted attention from the past towards the future. However, the memories of the past, especially her part of and in it, will always remain, probably “just below the surface.” Grief is a process, with various stages or progressions, but despite ultimate acceptance, the reality is that grief is something we adapt to and learn to live with as a part of our lives, and something that remains with us. I think it must be a testimony of just how strong the lost loving relationship was, and how true the wedding liturgy really is: “…and the two became one!” No wonder a husband or wife retains that burden after the loss of the spouse. One half of the “two that became one” is gone, leaving the survivor both lonely and, in an all too real sense, abandoned.


As indicated above, not only am I a man, but I am the husband of the woman whose loss is described immediately above, and the reactions to her loss were primarily mine. We had a good marriage, but like every marriage, there were occasional bumps in the road that could have been disastrous, but we married, “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, until death parted us.” Had the marriage failed, it would have been my fault, but she was stronger in many ways than I, and we faced all the challenges together, overcoming whatever came before us together. Aside from very short periods of time when wearing a ring would have been dangerous or caused my hand to be injured, I have worn the ring my wife placed on my finger from the day she put it there until today, tonight, actually. My removing the ring won’t indicate I love her any less, or that I’ve forgotten her in any way, as that simply cannot happen. I believe that, even if I develop Alzheimer’s, some part of my brain will always remember her.



To help me through the strain of the grieving process, I have seen a massage therapist several times to help relieve muscle stress and tension. As it turns out, he is a very empathetic and perceptive person who asked me a very pointed question, for a specific reason. He advised that every time he touched me, he sensed something “dark,” or maybe better described as “heavy,” and he wondered if I had really adapted to the loss of my wife. He suggested that continuing to wear my wedding ring might simply be blocking the completion of the healing process, and that having the ring on my hand was an all-too-visible reminder of what now is, in fact, a “former life,” as a married man, and an excuse to stay anchored in the past—and to carry the mourning process within me. So, having considered his question and recognized the possibility that his perception is correct, I’ve made just one more transition, just tonight. Tonight, I actually did remove my wedding ring, and while I will always treasure it as a gift from her, I’m hoping that, if it was, in fact, blocking completion of the healing process, the blockage is gone, and the darkness will finally be lifting. When I first considered doing this, it almost made me cry once again, as removing the ring would simply be another manifestation of “loss,” another obvious and visible indicator of the separation between my wife and me caused by her death, and another painful reminder of what was. It is said that, “We only remember the good things and good times,” and that, “We generally don’t remember bad things and bad times.” I truly hope that, as time progresses, the good things and good times are what I remember. Not only that, I hope that I can fully focus on my daughter and her family, and that one day, before I make my final transition from this earthly existence, that I see my grandchildren’s children! Now THAT will be something to see and celebrate, still one more transition! My recurring use of the word, “transition,” reminds me of the symbolism displayed at the beginning of the old “Ben Casey,” television show, during which the symbols representing “man,” “woman,” “birth,” “death,” and “infinity,” were shown in a top-to-bottom sequence. It seems that I’ve just described that whole process from a “real-world” life-experience!