Unconditional?

Somewhere recently I read " Do you believe in unconditional friendship/love?".

 

My first and initial thought was "yes"since I truly love my husband, children, family and friends with all my heart, no matter what.  Then I started thinking about my 2 ex-husbands and why both marriages failed.  I have always believed "once you love someone you always love them". So why did my previous 2 marriages not last?  For starters, when I married my 1st husband, we were great friends but I didn't feel I was in love with him.  I cared about him and loved him, in a way, but not in the way a wife should feel about her husband.  At the time we got married, I was young, naive and pregnant.  When he asked me to marry him, it didn't feel right but I agreed anyway.  In my mind I thought I could "learn" to love him.  We both had very different and unrealistic views about what an ideal  marriage was.  After about 3 1/2 years, our marriage crumbled and we  separated.  

                                                                 

Then there was my 2nd husband.  I did love him and somewhere I always will.  Well if I truly loved this man, why did our marriage fail?  Well the answer to that is plain and simple - ABUSE!  Would you consider abuse (of any kind) a condition or reason to end a relationship or marriage?  Would that mean your relationship wasn't actually "unconditional?  Personally I think of abuse (physical, emotional, etc.) as an automatic disqualifier or "clause" to end a relationship/marriage.  In my opinion I believe any type of abuse or betrayal should be a justifiable reason for ending a relationship of any kind.  Of course everyone has their own feeling of what constitues a means or reason to decide if they should remain in that relationship or not.  I also think it would depend on the severity of abuse.  These are just my thoughts...

I believe love is unconditional, however relationships are not. Do I still love the person who abused me… yes. I love(d) them for a reason and there is nothing that will change that. I spent time with, had good times, made memories, etc. There have been many people I thought loved and cared about me but then said/did things to hurt me.  Not always but there have been times when when the friendship or relationship ended. There were many happy and pleasant times/memories and for that I am grateful. Would you continue to be around someone who was mean and nasty upfront? It can take time to see someone else’s true colors. I like to take the happy memories and move forward.  I also believe that real friendships don't "end".  If it does, perhaps it wasn't a friendship to begin with.  

 

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"Eventually the most kind-hearted person will turn cold. That's when you know they've been pushed too far." ~ Author Unknown
 

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Question is, how long do you stay in a relationship until you realize that person is only using you and isn't really a true friend to you?  Someone who takes advantage of (or manipulate) someone who only cares about themselves and isn't really a true friend.  Those people only "befriend" you and then find ways to keep you interested in them so you will be there for them.  For example, making empty promises to do something with/for you, giving you the idea they are there for you, but in reality they aren't, etc.  They have their own selfish reasons and ideas to see how much they can gain from you. 

 

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“Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.

Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.

Just walk beside me and be my friend.” -- Albert Camus

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I don't "keep score" of who contributes more (keep count) to a relationship/friendship.  I enjoy giving when I can and don't expect anything in return.  As it says in Hebrews 13:1-3: "Let brotherly love continue.  Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unaware.  Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them; and those who are ill-treated, since you are also in body."  Unfortunately, there are times when someone you care about and consider a friend takes you for granted and in turn hurts you instead of being there for you.  At that point I believe it's time to re-evaluate the friendship.  The only thing I wish to have from my friends is being a true friend in return.

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“Life takes your dreams and turns
them upside down. Fake Friends talk
about you when you’re not
around. People make promises that
they never keep and I’ve
come to realize talk is cheap.”

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“What goes around comes around.
That's what people say.
so To my friend...for all the pain you caused me
will come back to you someday.”

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Most of the time you can tell whether someone is really your friend by the attitude they have toward you.  It's the ones who are deceitful and hurt you when you don't expect it.  Once you feel like someone you thought was your friend is manipulating or using you, their obvious intentions easily become evident.  You take notice of things you didn't notice before (or chose not to).  I'm not talking about someone have a bad day and perhaps coming off rude.  The ones I am referring to are "nice" to you but wind up treating you as if your problems and life don't matter to them when you need a friend.  They are easy to turn on you and do things you never thought they would.  If I feel something isn't right with a "friend", I reflect over the time I have known this person.  It's unfortunate these kind of people come in to our lives but I believe everyone crosses paths for a reason that we don't understand.  Quite often I keep things to myself, and in perspective, while observing their attitude toward me more closely. I like to think most people are good and wouldn't intentionally hurt someone.  When it does boil down to the end of a friendship or relationship (by manipulation or being used), it's usually pretty obvious.  If someone isn't your true friend, eventually they will show their true colors.  Do you think you could continue being someone's friend after they have shown all the signs I've described? 

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"One who looks for a friend without faults will have none." -- Hasidic Saying

 

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"Some people don't catch on, they rather just pretend

While things are going smooth, they smile and call you 'friend'.

Funny how you never know who cares until it hurts,

and when it's over, does it matter who blew off who first?"

~ Author Unknown

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“Your greatness is measured by your kindness; your education and intellect by your modesty; your ignorance is betrayed by your suspicions and prejudices, and your real caliber is measured by the consideration and tolerance you have for others.”

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I've learned to thicken my skin over the years and not let every little thing bother me. I tend to let trivial stuff roll off my back and then don't think twice about it.  Often I feel I am walked all over by someone because I don't want to believe they would hurt me.  I have made excuses to validate the apparent negative actions and/or behavior of someone I love and/or care about.  So when is enough ENOUGH?  When is it time to reflect on a friendship/relationship and feel " this isn't working for me and/or I am hurt because.... and it keeps happening?".  If you are feeling hurt by someone, isn't that a feeling also associated with being abused?  When is it time to let go and move on from someone you know is taking advantage of you?  

 

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“False friends are like our shadow,
keeping close to us while we walk in the *sunshine,*
but leaving us when we cross into the *shade.”

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I always do my best to treat people the way I want to be treated (golden rule).  I try to be the friend I would want to have.  If my family or friends need me, I do my best to be there for them.  The only thing I hope to get in return is for them to care about me.  I would hope they would be there for me too if that should happen.  I believe a true friend is someone who truly accepts me for who I am, cares about me (and my feelings), and will be there should the rest of the world walk out.  It is when we are at our lowest when we really need a friend.  We all make mistakes and poor choices in our lives.  It isn't our job to judge others when they are in times of trouble, that's up to God.  During the trials and tribulations of our lives is when we need the support from someone who truly cares.

When I first meet someone and would like to become friends with them, I try to get to know them and accept them for who they are.  I do my best to give everyone a chance without being judgmental.  I always hope they do the same for me.  I like being myself and would rather people accept me for who I am (faults and all) than be someone I'm not.  I also don't expect anyone to change for me.  Everyone has different personalities and come from different backgrounds.  There are some people that aren't meant to be in our life so our journey continues.  Most of the time I have a fun-loving, outgoing, positive personality and I realize there are some people who I wouldn't mesh well with.  I have some friends who aren't like me but accept me for who I am and vice versa.  I am so grateful for those people in my life.  I tend to find myself trying to connect with people who have been through some very hard times.  I am an empathizer and have found myself wanting to help them.  Not by changing them but by trying to show them the love they need, just as Jesus would.  I accept people for who they are and conform to their personality if I want them in my life.   

 


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“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.” ~ Dinah Maria (Mulock) Craik (often attributed to George Eliot)

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I've had friends who did or said things I didn't agree with but did my best to support them and be there for them unconditionally. If I felt they were about to, or already made, a bad decision/mistake, I would still be there for them no matter what and without judgment.  That's when they need a friend to lean on and/or help pick up the pieces to move on.  I would be (and have been) there for my family and friends when the rest of their world walked out on them.  Afterall, they are the ones who have to live with the decisions they made.  You can only hope and pray they learned from it to carry in to the future.  

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“But when they persisted in asking Him, He straightened up, and said to them, "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." ~ John 8:7

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In all relationships, people get angry and/or upset with one another.  We are all human and that is part of our nature.  In my opinion, not all arguments, fights, or disagreements should end a friendship.  Often times there is a lack of communication or being able to see the perspective of the other person.  Negative feelings and emotions are the easiest to feel so I have worked hard over the past couple years in finding something positive in everything.  Instead of staying angry or upset (which allows that person to have control over me), I tend to sit back and find a way to resolve conflicts.  I pray to God for guidance and try to find answers in my bible.  I don't typically hold on to grudges because it just takes up a part of me that could be put in to being happy.  There are some who have hurt me so severely I pray all the time for God to help me find it in my heart to forgive them.  Forgiveness has become a HUGE part of my life.  In some respects I almost feel selfish when I forgive someone and let go because it's such a wonderful feeling in my heart.

I have no problem talking to the person and being honest with them about what I was feeling.  I would rather be upfront/truthful with them and take the chance of them being upset or angry with me than to lose their respect or trust.  You can't control how other people feel.  Anger and sadness are temporary emotions and eventually fade. Once you lose the respect and trust of someone, it's often impossible to get back.  I always have the best intentions and although I don't like to lose a friend, unfortunately we can hurt the ones we care about unknowingly.  

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“True friendship is seen through the heart not through the eyes.”

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I feel there is a big difference between deliberate actions vs. good or bad intentions.  Sometimes they are the same thing but when there is a miscommunication or misunderstanding, they can be two different things.  I know my true friends would never do anything to intentionally hurt me.  If I find myself feeling hurt, angry or upset about something they did or said, I try to put thing in perspective.  Quite often I evaluate what happened by writing in my journal (or private blog) so I can reflect on the situation before saying or doing anything.  I don't like to approach issues when I am upset or angry because I know I can say things that could hurt them I otherwise wouldn't have if I took the time to calm down and think rationally.  When I write down my feelings, it puts everything in perspective so I can try to see how the other person sees the situation.  If I still feel upset about it, but perhaps understand their viewpoint, I will try to talk with them about it.  I then hope we can work things out.  If it's something that was done deliberately to hurt me, I typically distance myself from that person.  Sometimes relationships and friendships don't work out.  It's at this point to determine whether the friendship exists and both parties can forgive one another and move forward.  I know everyone doesn't think like me and I don't expect them to.  I have taken my own experiences throughout my life that have taught me about the person I want to be and learned to not take anything for granted.  

 

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“A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray” (Proverbs 12:26). By hanging out with people who valued their image more than God’s standards, I began to “learn” their ways, mock others, and get “ensnared” (Proverbs 22:25).

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"Friends who have proved faithful for decades should be cultivated further, but some look for friendship, even with relatives, only in times of trouble. Our “best friends” will be those who are nearby — constant, candid, counseling, and considerate. We all ought to build better friendships, providing the kind of positive influence that will help people go to heaven and build up the body of Christ."

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"You cannot say you've lost a friend. If a friendship is capable of ending, it is because it never existed."
Mayza Blanco Martinez

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A helping word to one in trouble is often like a switch on a railroad track ... an inch between wreck and smooth, rolling prosperity. -Henry Ward Beecher

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“As in water face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects the man.”
~ Proverbs 27:19

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I feel so blessed to have found the friends along my journey in life.  I tend to make friends easily and most of them have lasted for many years no matter the time or distance.  They are still a huge part of my life even if we haven't spoke or seen each other in weeks, months, or years.  Most people have busy  lives and aren't able to see or talk to their family or friends as much as they would like to.  I recently had the wonderful opportunity to catch up with a friend I hadn't seen in 17 years.  I went to visit her and her family and it was like we took over where we left off so many years ago.  I care so deeply for my family and friends and hope they feel the same about me.  Please keep in mind that these are some of my more random thoughts about love and relationships.  It's okay to disagree with me and by all means point things out I don't see.  All feedback is appreciated.